Wicked Writing For Dummies
by deeplyshallow
Summary: A guide for the rest of us.
1. Getting Started

***WAVES* - Anyone remember me? Well um, yeah, hi.**

**This is obviously a parody of sorts but, like all good parodies, has some sort of base in truth. I tend to go by this rule when I'm writing Wicked fic parody – if I haven't directly insulted every Wicked author out there (especially myself) I've done something wrong. So if you take offence at this feel free to complain so I can laugh at you.**

**I've written all of the parts it's just the whole thing's 8000 words so I thought I'd split it up, so there's no need to worry about any lengthy waits.**

* * *

**Wicked Writing For Dummies****  
**(A guide for the rest of us)

Greetings! Hello and welcome to the Wicked section a fandom somewhere over the rainbow where skies are blue and dreams really do come true (like, you know, if you dream of uploading Wicked stories).

So here is your essential and not at all sarcastic guide on how to write in this section!

**Getting Started**

**Step one**:Watch Wicked

**Q: I haven't actually seen Wicked and it's not showing near me/it's really expensive and I spent all my money on a witch's hat and green face paint. What do I do?**

A: No worries! Just listen to the soundtrack loads and loads so you know all the words off by heart and then read the Wiki article (make sure it's the musical one, not the book one – that will be a little confusing). Try to also watch as much of it as you can on youtube – yeah it's hard to find these days because all the clips keep getting deleted (for some stupid and unimportant reason, like it being illegal) but do your best.

**Q: I haven't read the book? Should I?**

A: Firstly are you under 15? If so no, really no, that book is traumatising. Seriously, think of any disturbing topic ever – it will be in there – in graphic detail. My theory is that Maguire was dared to write the most craptastic world he could out of a happy children's novel; he succeeded. But, either way, no it doesn't matter – hardly anyone else has either (hell Schwartz didn't before he decided to make it a family musical – and you can tell) and anyway, Elphaba's less like the angsty teenage girl that you all joined this section for because you identified with her. Plus Fiyero is way less hot (although the blue diamonds are quite sexy).

NB: If the author's being pseudo intellectual they might insert a bookverse reference or two into their fic – this reference will (without exception) be one of the following: Fiyero's blue diamonds, "blue diamonds on a green field", the nicknames Fae and Yero, the names of various minor characters, Elphie and Glinda having a sexy carriage ride, Elphaba being allergic to water, Avaric being a student and a dick. But, basically, if you don't scar your readers with mentioning the Philosophy Club (if you don't know why that's disturbing don't ask…) then you're doing ok.

**Q: I haven't seen "The Wizard of Oz" since I was a kid, should I watch again?**

A: Only if you want an evening off writing to shout abuse at Dorothy or to annoy the people you're watching with by making innuendoes about Gelphie or Fiyeraba tension that you're sure you can see.

**Q: What innuendoes?**

A: Like "Oh yeah, the scarecrow likes a bit of fire from that Wicked Witch," or "Oh I bet the Wicked Witch just wants to pop Glinda's pink bubble". Most effective way to make everyone in the room give you evils – trust me.

**Q: I haven't read, "The Wizard of Oz" or any of its sequels, should I be worried?**

A: No. No one has. And the book has sequels?

NB: it actually has over 60 including ones where Dorothy and the Wizard return to Oz – I bet you didn't know that did you?

**Q: I haven't watched RENT…**

A: …Wait WHAT? This is blasphemy I tell you **BLASPHEMY**! Go buy the movie/see the play/watch it illegally online, right now, I don't want to see your face (like, you know, virtually) until it's done. How could you possibly think you could join this section when you haven't watched a play about loads of people having AIDS whose OBC has some of the same actors as Wicked in?! Sweet Oz, kids these days…

**Step 2: **Choose a ship

**Q: Erm… the Titanic?**

A: lol no, like a pairing ship, and sorry Fiyeressa shippers there's only two options at this stage, Fiyeraba or Gelphie.

**Q: Fiyerthingy and Gelwhat?**

A: Clearly you do not understand the noble art of name smooshing. Basically we take two characters names and mash them together – we think it's really clever (mostly because we spend too much time behind computer screens).

**Q: Can't I ship both sides? Gelfiyeraba sounds awesome!**

A: lol no.

**Q: OK I've chosen my ship! What now?**

A: OBSESS! Seriously think about it night and day, read fanfic for it, doodle pictures of your preferred couple in your school books, sing their duets (both sides, unless you can goad one of your unfortunate remaining friends to do it with you), put posters of them up in your room. Paint your room blue and green or pink and green, fantasise about them having sex when you're in your maths class…

**Q: Done! My friends have all abandoned me because I was being weird and obsessive and comparing everything to my ship, but it's totally worth it! When do we start fighting the opposing ship? I have all my weapons ready!**

A: Umm… yeah… we don't. The Wicked section are a lovely set of really unconfrontational people. We take the "there's no such thing as other ships" approach ie: if you see a story that isn't your ship you ignore it, wipe it from your mind, pretend it doesn't exist! You will never mix with those weird members who ship differently to you! One day you may find you actually agree with this opposing ship, don't worry, happens to all of us – what you do then is write a oneshot with that pairing, all your normal reviewers will read it and applaud you on how radical and unusual the ship is. Really.

**Step 3: **Choose a secondary ship

**Q: Umm… why?**

A: Isn't it obvious? So you know whether to let Glinda be happy with Boq or if you need to write in an OC for her to marry in her joint wedding with Elphaba and Fiyero.

So yeah, in reality you pretty much have a choice of Gloq or Bessa – or a really weird ship.

**Q: I ship Gelphie. Do I need to write an OC for Fiyero to marry?**

A: No, don't worry, by the time the Gelphie wedding comes round Fiyero will have already revealed his true colours as an evil murdering criminal mastermind rapist and Elphaba will have brutally murdered him (but for good).

**Q: I want to ship Flinda.**

A: Firstly, that's not a question – pay more attention in school. Secondly, well you can, but you're on your own, because it sort of clashes with every other pairing in the universe, except Bessa, I suppose you could do Bessa. Still that leaves Elphaba single and kind of defeats the object of fantasying that you're Elphaba and having sexiitimes with the hot guy/girl. I mean there's Elphaboq, but Boq? Really? And Elphessa – well the Supernatural section seem fond of their Wincest… But at the end of the day it doesn't really matter – no one reads Flindas.

**Q: I don't want Fiyero or Galinda as Elphaba's love interest! What do I do?**

A: Elphaba/Avaric – Elphric. The answer to everything.

**Q: Who's Avaric?**

A: You don't know who Avaric is? What planet have you been living on? He's the sixth ranger of the Shiz group! A completely essential character! He's even mentioned by name and got a line in the musical… as Fiyero's carriage driver… not that he is much in fanfic land but still – you should know him!

**Step Four: **Make a profile

**Q: I need a penname! What do I call myself?**

A: Well given you're going to be a Wicked Author now you need something to sound professional and original! But of course, make sure everyone knows you are a Wicked Author and love only Wicked (and your OTP) and now have no personality aside from fangirling over a show, you must make it Wicked relevant! Or at least musical relevant – because now you like Wicked you must become a total theatre geek! Also make sure it can be shortened to a cute nickname – so you can then tell your fandom friends to call you that!

**Q: Done! Now what do I write in my profile?**

A: Depends on your age. If you're 12 I suggest you read through other people's profiles and find funny bits – copy and paste them into your own profile and, once your profile is longer than 5000 words, you're done! Also make sure you have the "fight against stereotypes" bit on your profile it's very important to let everyone know that you fight against assumptions against yourself like "you're a virgin so you MUST be a prude" and "you're green so you MUST be a Wicked Witch".

If you're a little older you may want to look old and wise by having a short profile. But still be sure to put in your pairing (you wouldn't want to be thought of as a shipper of the other side – given you're pretending they don't exist) insist your name is the nickname version of your penname (or Elphaba) and add a deep and mysterious comment about your age – like "old enough" or "why do you wanna know you pervs?!"

Although really it doesn't actually matter – no one reads profiles – they just look at the number of copy and pastes you have and judge you.

**Q: Finished! Am I ready to write now?**

A: Nearly, young munchkin, but not quite yet, first you need to know your characters…


	2. Know Your Characters

**Know your characters!**

**Q: Um… I've watched the musical – don't I know them already?**

A: Don't be stupid! This is fanfictionland – they do it totally differently there. But not to fear! I have a written a handy guide to all the fanfiction characters!

**Elphaba **– she's the reason you're here in the first place isn't she? You saw/heard of Wicked and instantly thought "oh I'm exactly like this girl – despite the fact I don't have green skin, I'm as left out as she is – and I'm just as sassy and sarcastic and inwardly good as her!" plus you got really into fantasising about getting off with Fiyero or Glinda.

Therefore, in fanfiction, Elphaba is pretty much exactly like you! She loves your favourite books, listens to all the music you listen to and has all your favourite hobbies! She's also really, really sassy and pretty much only speaks in sarcasm – since that's really cool. Finally she spends all her free time with her lover (whoever that may be) and, far from the shy, timid, little thing you'd expect given she's probably never had a boy/girlfriend before – she's incredibly sexy and dominant and has the skills of an experienced lover.

**Glinda **– She's your hyper side! The bubbly girl you want to be! She and Elphie have a friendship just like you and your BFF!

But, far from the cunning manipulative woman that some actresses chose to portray her as, Glinda doesn't have a mean bone in her body! She's just really ditsy and stupid sometimes!

As for romance – if you're a Gelphie author she's an incredibly sexy and sexual being – just as much as sexy Elphaba is (except for the times she's being beaten up or raped or bullied by mean Fiyero and needs Elphie to comfort and defend her). If you're a Fiyeraba author she's not bothered by the fact Elphie ran off with Fiyero (despite what a squashed Nessarose would argue) no she was secretly in love with Boq all this time and she can't wait to plan a double wedding!

**Fiyero – **Ummm, I think it's best if I split this by pairings.

1) Fiyeraba – Fiyero is the most wonderful, beautiful, sexy man in the universe. A lovely person, who was just misunderstood and unhappy when he insulted Elphaba the moment he met her, he loves Elphaba with all his heart and would gladly risk his life to save her. They always call each other "Fae and Yero". He and Elphaba have a wild and healthy sex life – given every sexond (geddit?) word out of his mouth is a sex joke.

**Q: But isn't Fiyero a scarecrow at the end of the musical?**

A: Pah, despite what the musical might say, transforming from a scarecrow to a human is pretty much as easy as blinking. Seriously most fics don't even bother with an explanation! But – if you're really pressed for authenticity… several authors don't seem to think being a scarecrow and having a sex life are mutually exclusive…

2) Gelphie – Fiyero is the most evil, ugly, nasty man in the universe. A horrible person who Glinda only went out with because she felt pushed to by the winds of popularity and he then horribly abused her. He spends his time being nasty to people, especially Elphaba – who he repeatedly tries to sell off to the Wizard, steamrolling puppies while manically laughing and attempting to rape Elphaba and Glinda's biologically impossible daughter.

NB: This difference is named (by me, right now) "The Fiyero Irregularity" and is handily illustrated on my Deviant Art account (and was so not drawn badly in paint) which I will link to in my profile [end shameless self advertising.]

**Boq - **In many ways pretty musical consistent. Loyal, friendly, hopelessly devoted to Glinda. This is, of course, unless it's a Gloq where he's brave strong and handsome and just as deserving of Glinda as Fiyero is of Elphie, or it's a Bessa in which case he never loved Glinda really and his heart was always for Nessa despite the fact she turned him into slave and nearly killed him…

Yeah…

**Nessa – **Normally Elphaba's needy wheelchair sister. Unless the fic is a Bessa – in which case she's a sweet, angelic, lovely girl who would never hurt a fly. Or if the fic's a Gloq – in which case she's an evil super villain who spends her days in her evil bat cave plotting ways to achieve world domination! And no one – not even Elphaba – loves her.

**Avaric – **As a wise writer once said "The Avaric transcends all boundaries". In bookverse he's a snobby Shiz student, in musicalverse he's Fiyero's carriage driver (occasionally an Animal or a female carriage driver too) in fandom he's anything you want him to be!

No, seriously. Do you want an evil villain rapist student (and you can't use Fiyero as you're writing a Fiyeraba)? The Avaric's your man! Do you want a love interest for Elphaba, and Fiyero and Glinda just aren't cutting it? The Super Avaric can save the day! Glinda's feeling sad and alone because you're writing a Fiyeraba and a Bessa? Enter Avinda! All this and much more can be achieved when writing with The Avaric. With The Avaric anything is possible.

**Dr Dillamond – **who? Oh, he doesn't exist in fanfiction. I mean we're all for Elphaba defending the Animals – but we don't actually _write _about them.

**The Wizard – **The most evil person in the world who kills Animals and eats them for fun! Alternately he's a friendly old man who was just just bullied by Morrible – actually he'd jump in front of a bullet to save Elphaba's life!

**Madame Morrible – **Evil, no question about it – born in the depths of evilland she spent her time growing up killing kittens and fantasying about ways to kill Elphaba before she was even born – sometimes she has a creepy crush on Fiyero too. Except in my fic Horrible: The Life and… [editor: we apologise for Miss deeplyshallow's shameless self advertising – we assure you she has been suitably punished with giant torture machines and exterminated daleks for this misconduct.]

**OCs – **Original characters ie: characters who you just made up. Can be used to help develop a plot along or more likely because you're feeling that Elphaba needs a supportive friend and who better than someone just like yourself (maybe even named after you) to help her along! If you're feeling extra helpful today why not make her read out passages from Twilight or sing Justin Beiber songs to help the Ozians along?!

They can also be used for important roles – family members, members of the resistance, students, but mostly they're used for some sort of self insertion – and anyway everyone will hate them, because seriously, we came here to get off on… I mean fangirl over… I mean intensely character study… the characters already in the musical.

And, for the love of god, please don't give these characters Earth names if they're born in Oz – or I will judge you – harshly.

**Q: Ok, characters dutifully memorised! What now?**

A: I think that's it actually. You're ready for the writing part!


	3. Writing Fluff

**Warning: Some of this chapter deals with sexiitimes content – if words such as cock, member, dick, boobies, thrust and girlhole make you uncomfortable – well you've read them already now so you probably won't be too traumatised if you read them again in this chapter.**

**The Writing Part!**

**Q: Umm… isn't fanfiction illegal in some way?**

A: Ok, look here, authors seem to have two main complaints about fanfiction: fanfic authors are stealing their world and their characters and it's all porn.

With Wicked – well it's not like Maguire invented Oz – hell, out of the five main characters (even ignoring the fact that in the musical Fiyero and Boq are the Scarecrow and the Tinman) one, Fiyero, was actually invented by Maguire – admittedly the other's roles were greatly expanded (and Boq only gets a passing mention in Baum's book – in a way that makes no sense in the context of the musical) but isn't that what fanfiction's for in the first place?

As for the porn element; um have you read Wicked the novel (no need to answer, that was rhetorical – I know I told you it doesn't matter)? Seriously if you want to get off on – I mean study – Wicked porn read the book instead, trust me it's way worse than any explicit Wicked fanfic out there.

Not that I ever go on the M section or anything… at all… ever… no…

**Q: But isn't writing hard?**

A: No! It's fanfiction! It's there to be fun! No hardness involved! You'll get a load of reviews saying you're the best author ever no matter what you write! (Provided you write a pairing people approve of).

**Q: So what can I write?**

A: I would say there's many things to write but that would be a bit of a lie. If you want reviews write fluff (actually, that's a lie, if you really want the review jackpot write parody – but we'll ignore that to the reduce of over meta-ing our brains), if you want to sound deep write angst, if you want to think of yourself as a proper author write multichip and if you want to just write anything but still get reviews write AU.

Below is your essential guide to writing any of these four categories!

**1) Writing Fluff**

**Q: So what should the plot be?**

A: Plot? What's that? Just write your main pairing having sex or being cute or something.

**Q: But doesn't that seem out of character for Elphaba who's much more into action than sitting around being romantic?**

A: OK, yes, you're right. But come on – do you want to see realism or do you want to get off on – I mean, go "awwww" to – cute Fiyeraba or Gelphie scenes?

**Q: Ok no plot… what should I write then?**

A: Not to worry! Because oneshot fluff has no plot it can be inserted anywhere into the musical and not degrade or interfere with the storyline… not at all… not even a little bit… no. For your ease I have compiled a list and basic summary of every appropriate spot for Fiyeraba and Gelphie fluff:

Fiyeraba:

Pre-musical – Elphaba and Fiyero are actually childhood sweethearts they just forgot. They have hot sex.

Two seconds after Fiyero's coach nearly runs over Elphaba – he says sorry. They have hot sex.

Sometime during Dancing Through Life – Galinda realises her secret love for Boq and they run off to have hot sex, Elphaba and Fiyero are left together. They have hot sex.

Post Popular – Elphaba runs away and runs into Fiyero – he tells her she's beautiful the way she is. They have hot sex.

General Shiztimes – Fiyero and Elphaba flirt and realise their mutual attraction. They have hot sex.

Lion Cub Scene – Fiyero doesn't actually run away, instead they kiss and have hot sex.

Post Lion Cub Scene – Fiyero and Elphaba confront their feelings for each other and Fiyero realises he was wrong in running away. They have hot sex.

One Short Day – Fiyero comes along as well as/instead of Glinda – Elphaba and Fiyero end up alone in a hotel room together (somehow). They have hot sex.

Interval – Fiyero and Elphaba meet up. They have hot sex.

Interval – Fiyero and Elphaba don't meet up. They have hot dream sex.

As Long as You're Mine – They have hot sex.

Post No Good Deed – Fiyero actually ends up dying, they say their heartfelt goodbyes to one another (probably through song). They think about all the hot sex they missed out on.

Post musical – Elphaba changes Fiyero back (or not) into a human. They have hot sex.

AU – Elphaba and Fiyero are in a situation where there's a very minor problem. They resolve it. They have hot sex.

NB: "They have hot sex" can be replaced by, "they have a short, cute and ultimately meaningful moment, possibly with a kiss,"* but writing "they have hot sex," is way more fun.

*Unless it's the ALAYM scene – in that case "hot sex" has to be hot sex – or everyone just stops once they realise that there's going to be no hot sex… or maybe that's just me… I hope it's not just me…

Gelphie:

Post What is this Feeling? – Galinda and Elphaba realise that they're just singing a love song in disguise. They have hot sex.

Popular – Elphaba's makeover session turns into a makeout session. They have hot sex

Sometime Shiztimes – Galinda finds out Fiyero is cheating on her. Elphaba comforts her. They have hot sex.

Post Lion Cub Scene – Elphaba feels guilty for her Fiyero feels/realises that despite her sappy song two minutes ago she doesn't actually have Fiyero feels. She talks to Galinda. They have hot sex.

One Short Day – Elphaba and Glinda share a hotel room/carriage together. They have hot sex.

Interval – Glinda and Elphaba meet – Glinda is sad that she didn't go with Elphaba. They have hot sex.

Thank Goodness – Elphaba is sad at the Flinda engagement, she confronts Glinda. They have hot sex.

As Long As You're Mine – Elphaba feels guilty for running away with Fiyero when her true love is Glinda. She returns to her. They have hot sex.

Post No Good Deed – Elphaba and Glinda are sad about the death of Fiyero. They comfort each other. They have hot sex.

For Good – Elphaba and Glinda are sad about never seeing each other again. They have hot sex.

Post musical – Elphaba realises she doesn't actually love Fiyero/Fiyero is a heartless bastard who (despite risking his life for her) doesn't actually love her. She returns to Glinda. They have hot sex.

AU – Fiyero is a jerk who doesn't treat Glinda well, she meets Elphaba and realises that she loves her instead. They have hot sex.

NB: I don't actually read or write Gelphie so I'm pretty much just making all of this part up. But I assume this is what happens.

**A: I wanna write Elphric! All the cool kids are doing it nowadays! How do I write that?**

Q: Simple! Write generic Shiz era Fiyeraba – find and replace every mention of Fiyero with Avaric and then put a few more "look at me I'm a jerk!" comments in. And seriously – make the scene one about hot sex – no one wants to hear about Avaric's caring side, we all know we spent weeks after seeing the musical fantasying about what lay under Avaric' sexy carriage driver outfit.

_Warning: Be careful to read your find and replace after you've written the fic – especially if nicknames are used while writing – otherwise you may end up with unfortunate scene like this one:_

– _Avaric placed his throbbing cock into Elphie's you-know-what._

"_Oh! Oh! Oh! YERO!" she screamed screamingly!_

"_lol you're green! That makes you ugly!" screamed Avaric also overcome with passion. – _

**Q: But I don't want to write Fiyeraba or Gelphie or Elphric fluff I want to write [insert pairing here] instead!**

A: Seriously? Are you trying to not get any reviews? It's like you're under the mistaken apprehension that there's greater things to achieve in life than reviews saying "omg ur fics da best!1!"! Because seriously, no one wants to fantasise about Boq having sex with anyone… or, you know have a cute conversation or something.

Ok if you're really set on this here's what you do, pick two characters and find a scene that they're in together and make up some way they actually secretly bonded and had hot sex.

**Q: But the characters in my pairing have never been in a scene together! How will I be able to show their true and undying fluffy love?**

A: Just make a scene up – maybe Fiyero, while idly skipping through the grounds of Shiz will realise just how sexy he finds Madame Morrible and, overcome with lust, takes her in the broom closet or maybe Boq visits Doctor Dillamond one day asking him his views on a love poem he's written for Galinda and then realises he actually secretly wrote it for Dillamond and they make out keenly against the blackboard – the possibilities are endless! Both of the people who read something other than Fiyeraba or Gelphie will adore it!

**Q: I want to write a hot sex scene but I'm actually a virgin! What do I do?**

A: Don't worry! No one else here has had sex either! This is a mere minor hurdle that you'll soon get over.

I now present to you: How to write a totally hot sex scene in five simple steps!

1) Read a load of other sex fics in the section, this will give you an idea of how basic anatomy works – yes they're all written by virgins too but given they got their knowledge by reading sex fics too there must have been one out there somewhere that someone's read which is by someone who's actually had sex – so you'll get all the info in a Chinese Whispery sort of way. Anyway, all your readers will be virgins too so they've got no idea if you've got it right.

2) Think of as many words as you can for both the male and female anatomy and try and put as many of them in your fic as possible – this will show everyone how much you know about sex because you're wise and stuff – here's a list to start you off:

Male anatomy: cock, member, dick, thingy, boy part, length, hardness, sausage, the hammer, long thing, tight white pants stretcher

Female anatomy: folds, wetness, you know what, girl hole, thingy, sexiitimes hole, boobies, boobs, lumpy things, buns

3) Now you've got as many adult words for male and female rude parts it's time to describe them! Remember this is during the act of sexiitimes so you need adequate adult descriptions. I've provided a list of examples:

Describing words: big, hard, sexy, long, well shaped, well toned, throbbing, gyrating, wobbling, eager, waiting, burning, amazing, beautiful, fat, lovely, comforting, warm, sparkling

4) Action words! So everyone can picture the sexy action as it's going on – and to convince the readers that you so know how sex works. If you _don't _know how sex works I have compiled a handy list of action words for you insert them between your anatomy words and you can't go wrong!

Action words: thrust, penetrate, insert, plunge, fondle, finger, suck, lick, poke, squeeze, fiddle, kiss, stroke, cuddle, place, insert, stick

5) Go on and on about how wonderful and beautiful this is – make sure they all get loads of happiness and pleasure and it's not at all uncomfortable or painful even for Elphaba (who's probably a virgin) aside from the first second or two and always refer to is as "lovemaking" rather than sex – because that makes you sound mature and stuff.

And there you have it. Your incredibly sexy sex scene! No one will be able to tell that you have no love life!

Or you could be all symbolic and stuff and try and include feelings and not actually mention anatomy at all (but that's for advanced writers only).

Alternately you could buy a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" copy out a sex scene and change the names.

**Q: I have a song that I listen to which always thinks of my OTP…**

A: SONGFIC! Basically copy and paste the lyrics from some lyric site on the web and then try and write a vague story around them – it can be as odd and OOC and irrelevant to Wicked as you want -because clearly the song lyrics, that everyone reading the fic skips (trust me), are way more important than a plot that makes sense!

NB: Also they're technically illegal on this site – but so are deeply sarcastic guides about how to write Wicked Fanfiction – so, what can you do?

**Q: OK, written! What do I do now?**

A: Upload it of course! Wait! Have you put in a disclaimer? You wouldn't want people thinking Wicked is yours – the obvious conclusion they'd come to otherwise – so make sure you let them know! If you want to be really creative you could do it in the form of a song! Or your characters talking to you. That's never been done before…

**Q: I'm on the upload screen, what do I put in my summary?**

A: Just avoid putting "I suck at summaries" or "better than it looks" (because if you say that – it's not. Ever.) and you should be away! Just be sure put the story's pairing in the summary somewhere too – no one wants to read a fic about a pairing they're pretending doesn't exist.

**Q: And now?**

A: Sit back and wait for the reviews! It's fluff! It's hot sex (maybe)! It's a oneshot! So everyone will review and tell you how wonderful you are!

**Tune in next time for instructions on how to depress people… I mean write angst!**


	4. Writing Angst

**2) Writing angst**

**Q: Um, so what is angst?**

A: Depressingness! As you're (probably) a teenager, you probably sit down thinking depressing thoughts – that would be teenage angst. The angst we're dealing with is a bit more serious – because really no one wants to see Elphaba sitting down writing sad poetry about how much her life sucks. But yeah, sad stuff really.

**Q: So what should the plot be?**

A: What is it with you and plots? Oneshots do not have plots – they have feelings. Basically something depressing happens and the characters are all really upset and have sad thoughts about it.

**Q: What sort of depressing things?**

A: For simplicity I have, once again, compiled you a list of every likely scenario of why everyone is sad:

Elphaba dies everyone angsts (and everyone who isn't angsting is incredibly evil)

Glinda dies everyone (and I mean everyone) angsts

Fiyero dies everyone angsts (unless it's a Gelphie, in which case everyone celebrates)

Boq dies (and it's a Gloq, otherwise no one cares)

Nessa dies (depending on circumstances – as in canon apparently the "death" of the guy Elphaba's been in 3 scenes in is more important to her than the death of her sister – but if it's a Bessa it might matter!)

Fiyero doesn't die – like ever – and he walks round as a scarecrow being depressed

Elphaba gets raped – she and Galinda (and sometimes Fiyero) angst about it while everyone is mean to her

Galinda is raped (possibly by Fiyero) Elphaba comforts her and then they have sexiitimes

Galinda is horribly abused by Fiyero she angsts, Elphaba kills him – violently

Boq is horribly abused by Nessa – Galinda angsts over his wounds and wishes she'd been kinder to him earlier – Nessa is arrested

Elphaba thinks Fiyero is killed in NGD, she angsts

Fiyero is actually killed in NGD, Elphaba angsts

People are mean to Animals Elphaba angsts

Galinda has a bad hair day Galinda angsts

Elphaba doesn't want to share a room with Galinda because she's popular and they've just sung a song about their awkward sexual loathing tension together – she angsts

Glinda thinks everyone is dead at the end of the musical, she angsts

Elphaba is sad that Glinda thinks everyone is dead and is angsting, she angsts

Fiyero is sad that Elphaba is sad and angsting that Glinda thinks everyone is dead and is angsting, he angsts

The interval is basically a chasm of depressingness EVERYONE ANGSTS!

Everything gets somehow worse after the end of the musical and everyone DIES AND ANGSTS!

And we're not even getting into random AU angst here – basically pick an event – any event in the musical (and if you don't want to just make one up) and write a character study about how depressed some character is about it.

**Q: So why are all these characters dying?**

A: because that makes the best angst! Nothing is more depressing than death and people being sad about it! Nothing at all – Voldemort was right – nothing is worse than death!

…oh, you mean for what reasons are they dying – well for any reason really! The important part is that they die, but here's a handy list of suggestions of how to kill your fictional characters:

**Old age** – Boring – but still a classic – plus you can then do epic flashbacks of the character's life and how they impacted on all the characters and all their happy memories and the things they'll never get to do etc.

**Sacrificial death** – As a bonus this actually happens in the musical! …well no, actually it doesn't, but luckily (for you, not Fiyero) a quick edit of the NGD scene can change that for Fiyero! As for other characters, well they can jump in front of bullets or scream "NOT HER! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" NB: This is possibly the best form of angst as then the character they saved can angst about how it should have been them and commit suicide (YAY! Double angsty death!)

**MURDER!** – Wizard, Morrible, Guards, Evil Avaric, Gelphieverse Fiyero, Dorothy (just to add some extra Dorothy bashing in your fic) – anyone of them can be your murderer – the murderer doesn't really matter anyway (and they'll be viciously murdered or arrested or something soon after the deed's done), it's all about the angst and survivors guilt as the person gets murdered before their loved one's eyes and then they cry and stuff and give big speeches about how much the character meant to them.

**"How about a little fire scarecrow?" -** And watch (like, through text) Fiyero burn!

**Nobly in battle** – Bossibly just a minor character – because really the main characters have to be big and tough enough to defeat the baddies – then the remaining characters can sing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" and you'll look really deep because Les Mis is a _cultured musical _(and if you've only seen the film – well they don't need to know that)

**Illness** – Again pretty boring, but at least there can be a lot of random sappy speeches and "I love you, but you must find new love now," and by the end even your readers will wish they'd just die.

**Accident** - Elphaba gets knocked over by Fiyero's carriage and dies! Galinda slips on some spilt nail polish and cracks her skull! Fiyero is so stupid that he forgets jumping off a tall cliff will kill him! Accidental deaths are fun because they're so sudden and shocking-like, and all the characters can angst over how unfair it was and easily the death could have been prevented!

**Melting** – Because, even though it's a major plot point in the musical that Elphaba actually can't melt, this is fanfiction! Why not just put her bookverse allergy back in? It makes an easy and horrific death for Elphaba – which will then lead to loads of angst for Glinda/Fiyero who might have not even realised this could happen!

**Suicide** – normally Glinda – so we can not only can we see her angsting about thinking everyone's dead and taking her life and then everyone else angsting because Glinda commit suicide thinking everyone was dead – this one's a goldmine guys!

**Q: So what does "being depressed" actually consist of?**

A: Crying (or being, too sad for tears), lots of thinking about how much they loved the character they have now lost or, if it's not a death, thinking about how bad and hopeless their current situation is. Thinking in terms you think of as poetic about how much their lives suck really – make sure you use lots of sap and elaborate metaphors to show just how deep you are – even if, in reality, you've never actually experienced this level of sadness. Maybe, if you're feeling extra deep, they can have irrational angsty anger and throw stuff around or something – just like Harry Potter did in Order of the Phoenix!

**Q: So, happy ending?**

A: A hopeful one if you feel like it, but really? No! Just make it worse! Watch your minions… I mean your readers, cry and get depressed. Oh the power, the power, POWER MWAHAHAH…

**Q: Ummm…**

A: …AHAHAHA – oh, sorry, don't mind me; I just really enjoy making people depressed.

**Q: Ok, written! What should I put in my summary?**

A: Well it's angst – so you're supposed to be pretending… I mean – you _are _deep and meaningful. So, don't just write a summary, take a deep and meaningful quote from your angst (maybe that elaborate metaphor we were talking about earlier) to make sure everyone knows just how deep and meaningful you are. Oh and also make sure you label it WARNING: ANGST (and CHARACTER DEATH if you have it) because no one wants to accidently read angst when they were looking for hot sex.

**Q: And now?**

A: Sit back and wait for reviews again! You probably won't get as many because, in all honesty, people want to see the characters having hot sex rather than dying – but don't worry, remember your audience are angsty teenagers – so they'll doubtless come on and read about lives more sucky than theirs at some stage. And then if they say it made them cry it'll make you feel all warm and happy and powerful inside!

**Q: I really do want to learn how to write a plot oneday…**

A: Patience, young student of mine, all will be revealed next chapter when we tackle the famous MULTICHAPS!


	5. Writing Multichap

**3) Writing Multi-Chapter**

**Q: What should I write?**

A: Well if we're not going into radical AUs here (next chapter for that my pretties) you've got several options: Fiyeraba – Shiz era, Fiyeraba – post musical, Gelphie – Shiz era and Gelphie – post musical. Of course there are other options but these forms 83% of all multichip plotlines

**Q: OK how should I write it? I need a plot this time don't I?**

A: That you do! Don't worry I've written you a template of the basic plot outline for you.

**Fiyeraba – Shiz Era**

**First: **Fiyero and Elphaba meet

**But: **They hate each other

**Eventually: **They realise through a set of flirty conversations/getting drunk and having hot sex that they actually love each other.

**However: **Fiyero is still dating Galinda and Elphaba doesn't want to make her sad/Good little Avaric loves Elphaba too/evil villain Avaric has an evil plan to rape Elphaba.

**Finally: **The conflict is resolved anticlimactically – Galinda's actually secretly dating Boq or Avaric/Avaric finds love with someone else/Avaric is quickly jailed without doing any harm.

**Fun side plot (optional): **The cooky dating adventures of Glaveric/Gloq/Bessa!

**In the end: **Fiyero and Elphaba gets married and there's a Fiyeraba baby on the way!

**Fiyeraba – Post Musical**

**First: **Elphaba and (A recently transformed back to human)Fiyero are living outside of Oz happily – and having lots of sex

**But: **They're really sad because they can't see Glinda and that makes them cry a lot/Glinda's in trouble

**Eventually: **they have to return to Oz for some (fairly contrived) reason and meet with Glinda

**However: **Evil things with Oz are afoot (Morrible returns, the Wizard returns, evil Avaric tries to take over the universe etc.) and everyone hates Elphaba (you know, because she was the Wicked Witch and people thought she was evil and stuff).

**Finally: **They save Oz! Elphaba and Fiyero are easily welcomed back into the Ozian community! No one in the least bit cares about green skin anymore! YAY!

**Fun side plot (optional): **The funny love life of Glinda! Will she realise that her true love is Boq? (Yes). And will she decorate the whole of the Emerald City pink? (Yeah, probably, if it's funny).

**In the end: **Elphaba has a baby! Glinda becomes pregnant! You could even write a sequel about their kids falling in love and having babies (although no one will read it because everyone hates OCs)!

**Gelphie – Shiz Era**

**First: **Elphaba and Galinda hate each other.

**But: **They secretly think the other is very sexy – even when thinking homosexual feelings are wrong and Galinda is having sexiitimes with her boyfriend Jerk Fiyero (JF for short).

**Eventually: **They realise they can't fight their feelings for each other anymore and fall passionately into each other's sexy arms!

**However: **Evil JF doesn't want that, he wants Galinda all to himself – and to have sexiitimes with Elphaba too (even though he finds her repulsive) and he also hits Galinda and kills bunnies for fun and does anything else evil you can think of.

**Finally: **Galinda stands up to Fiyero and Elphaba beats him up – he gets arrested forever/killed slowly and torturously in a way that would have Fiyeraba fangirls screaming in agony – if they ever read it (which they won't).

**Fun side plot (optional): **Well, as I'm making most of this up as I don't read Gelphies, let's say something funny happens like we delve into Boq's funky love life.

**In the end: **There's a flashforward to the wedding! Homophobia and greenskinophobia has gone from Oz! Everyone is happy! Both women are pregnant with biologically impossible babies!

**Gelphie – Post Musical**

**First: **Elphaba is living on the run (with or without Fiyero currently), Glinda is ruling Oz in the lap of luxury.

**But: **They are both very, very, sad because their one love is not with them

**Eventually: **Glinda finds out that Elphaba is alive – they reconnect, much sexiitimes celebration is had.

**However: **Evil Fiyero will not let this happen! He tries to capture and kill Elphaba (even though he previously risked his life to save her – that was just a hero complex) and get married to Glinda (despite the fact he left her for Elphaba)! He takes over and starts ruling Oz and makes everyone unhappy!

**Finally: **Elphaba and Glinda defeat Evil Fiyero – graphically and violently

**Fun side plot (optional): **The random slashy adventures of some OCs who are BFFs with Glinda and Elphaba!

**In the end: **Everyone accepts Elphaba and Glinda as the eternal leaders of Oz and many biologically impossible babies are born!

_And there you go! All your multichap plots in four simple templates!_

**Q: Are you sure there's not any others – what if I want to write something else?**

A: You just enjoy being difficult don't you? It's like you want to be original or something weird like that! If I wasn't for the fact I'm actually the one writing these questions I'd sulk and refuse to answer.

For the sake of answering you while still doing the all important task of conserving unoriginality you could do the "tell the entire musical from *blank* character's POV" plot! Basically you follow the musical but in first person from any character you want!

Here's a list, and a summary of how to adapt each POV:

**Elphaba: **Yeah, yeah, I know what you're all thinking "the musical is all from Elphaba's POV anyway, why would we want read pretty much the same thing again?" The answer is simple yet very deep and meaningful – hot sex! Because, come on, the musical was PG but in fanfic we can put in all the deleted scenes! Because you just know that Elphaba spent the whole of Shiz having secret sexiitimes with Fiyero/Galinda! Or if you're boring or want to be realistic or some rubbish – there can be just loads and loads of sexual tension and blatant flirting at Shiz and you can save the sexiitimes for ALAYM for Fiyeraba or the carriage ride to the Emerald City or during Defying Gravity or For Good (or wherever Gelphie shippers think all the Gelphie sexiitimes happened – I honestly don't know). Plus you get to add on a tacky "everyone is happy actually!" post musical ending!

**Glinda: **To be honest if you're writing this you're probably a Gelphie shipper. So you can write secret sexiitimes or sexual tension in Shiz era – hot dream sex angst during the interval and some post musical ending where it actually turns out Fiyero's a super villain and Elphaba leaves him for Glinda at the end of the play. I mean you could write Glinda POV as a Fiyeraba shipper – but come on – that's basically just Wicked without getting the Fiyeraba sexiitimes – what's the point of that? Plus you'd have to write Flinda – no one likes Flinda.

**Fiyero: **Seriously not an option for Gelphie writers but a goldmine for Fiyeraba writers! Just think Fiyero FEELINGS and TIGHT WHITE PANTS In Shiz era (and maybe even sexiitimes if you feel like it), ANGST in the interval (and hot dream sex maybe?), SEXIITIMES in the ALAYM scene, HERONESS in the cornfield scene, STEALTHYNESS and DOROTHY BASHING during Scarecrow times and then HAPPINESS and MORE SEXIITIMES at the end. What more could you want?  
**  
Nessa: **Angst, angst, angst. Obviously you have to be Team "Nessa has Feelings" for this one, but you get to basically make up your own depressing story for it. Plus you get a lovely set ending where you get to describe Nessa being squashed!  
**  
Boq: **Well given he's in about five scenes you can just make stuff up. Seriously whether your secondary paring is Gloq or Bessa (or even Foq!) you can just make stuff up and emphasise the never before seen SEXUAL TENSION between Boq and his love interest in the meantime. Of course depending on your paring you're either going to end up with extreme angst or a magically untinmanifyed Boq and a pregnant Glinda…

**Avaric:**The Avaric sees everything. The Avaric knows everything. The Avaric is the perfect narrator.  
**  
Doctor Dillamond: **Yeeeah… he really doesn't exist in fanfictionland.  
**  
The Wizard: **The life and times of some guy who's in like four scenes and has most of his life planned out by a MORE VILLAINOUS WOMAN – yeah, I'm not sure I've actually seen any multichaps on him…

**Morrible: **She's just depressed and misunderstood and I love her ok guys?! And writing nearly 50,000 words on her is so not overkill!

**Q: What about pre-musical or interval fics? They'd be really interesting…**

A: Yeah, there are some of those and they are interesting but there's a problem: GANG SPLIT UP! Obviously pre-musical unless it's AU or a "oh whoops we just forgot we were BFFs/secret young lovers" situation, the characters don't meet each other. Interval fics are just depressing because no one sees Elphaba – who is the centre of all romance in the Wicked world (despite the fact there's like four people in Oz at most who like her) – so there's no room for sexiitimes (unless you're writing a secret meeting and hot sex fic – which can be pretty awesome).

**Q: But I've read loads of other types! There was this one about Fiyero and Elphaba in an arranged marriage and one about Glinda and Elphaba landing on the moon and…**

A: All in good time, munchkin, all in good time. This is because you have been yet to be introduced to the final type of story… AU!


	6. Writing AU

**Sorry this took so long to put up guys (and that I suck at replying to reviews) but I have at least been a little busy and this slipped my mind.**

* * *

**4) Writing AU**

Ah AU – the resource for people who want to write original fic but still want reviews… Or, you know, you want an excuse to write your favourite pairing having sexy romantic times unhampered by pesky things like the plot of the musical.

**Q: What does AU stand for? Auton usurpation? Animal urges? Aggressive underwear?**

A: Well it would be funnier if it stood for "aggressive underwear" but it doesn't. It stands for alternate universe – ie: let's vaguely keep the characters the same while we use their names in a completely different plotline and story.

NB: It's also used in this section for "What if scenarios" – the favourite being "what if Elphaba and Fiyero actually kissed during the lion cub scene" or "what if Elphaba and Galinda actually kissed during the popular scene*" but I'm going to casually ignore that because you try writing a sarcastic guide to writing Wicked stories covering both kinds.

*Again, I don't actually read Gelphie, but I'm assuming.

**Q: So does it have to be set in Oz at all?**

A: Nope! Anywhere you like, modern day Earth, modern day Oz, in an ancient kingdom, in space, in Narnia, anywhere!

**Q: So why would you write it?**

A: Basically it's your chance to insert the characters into any situation you want. What would happen if Shiz was in space? What would happen if Elphaba and Galinda/Fiyero were childhood friends? What would happen if Fiyero was a total hottie in a band and pulled Elphaba up on stage and they started making out? What if the Wicked characters were in the roles of the characters in another work of fiction? Such as a Shakespeare play*! You get to self indulge and pretty much write original fic while still getting reviews – oh and do intense character studies with the situation… that too.

*Don't do that guys – it leads to intensely bad fics that you look back on and cringe just to see the reviews for – never mind actually reading it.

**Q: I don't know what to write! What should I write?**

A: Arranged marriage fic! Everyone does it! Most overused plot in the universe and people still read it! Just think about it – it has everything you'd ever want in it. Your OTP – obviously as they're forced to marry each other. Hate with sexual tension – when they first meet. Hot sex – because naturally it's an old fashioned country that they live in and they have to have sex on their wedding night, whether they want it or not (and because it's fanfic it will still be hot). Love – because, come on, they're your OTP. Easily resolved plot conflict – because once they're all lovey dovey they need something to unsettle them but nothing too bad – wouldn't want to disturb the sex in the chapters that follow. Babies! – because everyone loves babies and obviously in this old fashioned country they need an heir and babies are really cute and stuff!

If you're really hardcore you could even include a twist – your OTP are not actually marrying each other! They're marrying someone else but are still in love! Your OTP never stop hating each other! There's a slightly more serious plot conflict – like rape! Your story is written in script form! Of course all of these plots have been used up too – but, trust me, everyone loves an arranged marriage fic – you'll get your reviews. Plus: easy sex scenes.

But if you don't want to use that plot just write something where there's a minor conflict and that gets easily resolves and then ends with the OTP living happily ever after and you should be fine!

**Q: So are these fics multichap or oneshot?**

A: Either! AU is a diverse and fascinating area of this section (sort of)! If you want to indulge in a long, drawn out fantasy – I mean perfectly legitimate story, you can make the AU your 35 chapter masterpiece, or if you want to just write original fic with the Wicked character's name in and not explain anything oneshot AU is for you!

**Q: What if I want to have my characters meet characters from other works of fiction?**

A: Ahhh, you have come across what is known as the crossover. The crossover has an ancient and noble history – let me tell you a story kiddies.

Storytime: _Once upon a time in a fanfiction land like five years ago there was no crossover section. Crossovers lived solely on one side of their fanbase. It was a bleak life for them, for hardly anyone read them – given they'd have to know both works of fiction and (unless it was RENT) not all their viewers had._

_Then one day a beacon of hope shone down upon them – invented the crossovers section – a beautiful place for all melded pieces of fiction to live. For the next few months those works of fiction were happy and flourished in a section of their own._

_And then everyone realised crossovers normally sucked and stopped checking the crossover section. After that they were ignored forever more and no one read them._

_The end._

So yeah, the moral of that story is no one is ever going to read your crossover – but hey, well done for trying.

**Q: Um… that was lame and uninformative…**

A: Ok, ok, fine. Here's a quick guide to writing crossovers.

First: Choose your other fandom – really you don't have much choice here – well theoretically you have but you're either going to chose RENT (because then you can make hilarious comparisons between Elphaba and Maureen) or Harry Potter or Twilight (because you are probably a teenage girl), oh and maybe Les Miserables now it's a film and deep and stuff!

Second: Chose your setting – do the Wicked characters visit Hogwarts or the HP characters visit Oz? The choice is yours!

Third: They go on exciting adventures together – because clearly all the characters will become best friends!

Fourth: You end it... somehow… or you give up because exciting adventures can only last you so long and really that wasn't the greatest plot to begin with.

REMEMBER: Your reader will get very offended if you break up their OTP in this story – so don't explore any weird crossover parings – I mean yeah exciting crossover adventures but don't push the line too far…

**Q: Ready to upload! How do I write a summary for this kind of fic?**

A: Start with "what if" just to make sure they know it's AU – also write AU at the end – to make extra sure. Write your pairing in the box too – AU or not no one wants to read the wrong pairing.

And that's it for all the types of fic I believe!

**Q: So, with the help of your informative and not at all sarcastic guide, do I know everything I have to about the writing part?**

A: Umm… sure… let's say that…

**Q: So, what next?**

A: sit back, relax, and claim your reward! Reviews galore! And they'll all be lovely and say this is the best fic in the universe.

No, seriously, they all will – because, as I've previously said, this section is rather overly nice… and if you do get some horrible reviews all your fanfic friends – and random strangers reading your reviews – will come up and defend you!

Hurray for constructive criticism!

**So there you are kiddies – a completely accurate and not at all just made up for the hell of it – guide to writing your very own Wicked Masterpiece! Now you've read this guide your whole life is sorted (because, as we've covered, your whole life is Wicked now) and all because of me!**

**Remember to stay in school, brush your teeth twice a day and don't do drugs.**


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